"Just Friends" Part 2 No room for doubt

“Loyalty in relationships does not start when you say ‘I do’ or even commit to dating". -Shelly Lynch

There is much wisdom in that statement. I’ve had several girls tell me over the years, “I don’t have to submit until we’re married.” Ok if you want to get technical about that verse, yeah it says “Wives submit to your husbands.” But if you’re not practicing submission while your dating or courting someone, how are they suppose to know how you’ll act in a marriage? Would you date a guy that says “I’ll start loving you after we get married?”

The same goes for practicing loyalty. I hear women say all the time, “I’m very loyal when I’m in a relationship” but what does that really mean? To some that means they don’t cheat on the person. To others that means they’re committed but they still have their own group of friends which can include any number of guy/girls and even ex boyfriend/girlfriends. To others, and the idea I’m encouraging, it means you go out of your way to let the other person know that they are your one and only.

I think that is loyalty at its core but the problem then becomes, when does it start? In my original note entitle “We’re just friends, you should trust me” I talked about practicing loyalty now by limiting the time you spend alone with members of the opposite sex if there is no romantic interest. I talked about the value of having relationships of the opposite sex but also the difficulty that comes in reevaluating those friendships once one or both of the parties enter a relationship or get married. Naturally, if you are in fact loyal, those relationships with guy or girl “friends” need to change. They don’t have to end necessarily, but your primary concern should become your significant other. If they aren’t ok with that prior friendship, it’s got to go.

Some of you think that thought is absurd. “He can’t demand I not have a particular friend” or “She’s just jealous.” My opinion? Yeah, she is jealous. And if she is, it’s probably because your doing something that is not helping her feel secure in your love. People react so quickly and assume the worst, particularly regarding this topic. I wish people would take the time to 1) communicate, that would eliminate most of the problems and 2) be willing to lay aside their own selfishness for the betterment of the relationship.

I think if we could learn to do that, you’d find that you ultimately do yourself a favor by laying the friendship in question down. You’re going huh? I’m losing a friend and he/she is getting their way? How is that doing me a favor?

I’ll explain with an example I came up with a while ago. Suppose I have a girlfriend. She’s eager, attractive and outgoing. Naturally that’s a great combination and certainly I’m not the only guy vying for her attention but somehow I’ve managed to win her affection and am the lucky one called “boyfriend.” Because she’s eager and outgoing, chances are she’s got lots of friends and more than likely several guy friends in there too. Suppose she’s of the belief that I should trust her even enough to go have coffee or spend time hanging out with these other guys without becoming jealous or worrying because she’s assured me they’re “just friends.” As in so many relationships today, it’s not a trust issue it’s a preference. I just rather she didn’t spend time alone with guys. I know how guys work so I mention it to her.

“Sweetheart, you are outgoing, attractive, you love people and I love that about you. That’s part of why I was attracted to you to begin with. But because of that, its difficult for me to see you maintain relationships with guys, even though you are just friends. Part of it is because I know how guys work, but mostly, its just another way that I can feel secure in your love. It would mean the world to me if you would choose not to spend time alone with other guys, having coffee and speaking on the phone for great lengths of time. It would help me know without a doubt that I’m your one and only.”

To that she responds as most people would, “well you should just trust me Seth. If I say we’re just friends, we’re just friends.” “I do trust you. It’s not that I don’t, but I would appreciate you not spending your time with other guys. You might not understand why, you might not think it makes any sense, but it would mean the world to me if you would make that sacrifice.”

She has a choice. She may, as is the case with many relationships, truly not understand why this is so difficult for me. After all, she trusts me. Why is this so difficult for Seth to understand? But what she doesn’t realize is at this very moment she has power. She has real power to do something that will in turn motivate me to love her better. She can show me love and bless me so much by respecting my wish. Her sacrifice is amplified all the more because she doesn’t understand why she should do it.

And why does she have power? Because she can make a sacrifice that will bless me so much, removing any foothold or stumbling block that’s between us and out of gratefulness, I will lavish upon her so much more love because I’m so thankful that she made that sacrifice. She has the power to help herself. Maybe she already feels loved. That’s fine, is anyone going to turn down an extra expression of love from their significant other? Heck no!

It takes action on both parts. My girlfriend needs to actually stop spending the time with other guys and I need to go out of my way to express how thankful I am that she has made and is acting on that sacrifice. I don’t think that will be too tough though. Our natural response when we feel loved, is to love. When your cup is filled, you overflow!

I received some interesting responses from that first article and I want to share my findings. By and large the people that agree 100% fit a couple of demographics: they are either happily married or divorced. The first response I received came from a young woman who is divorced after a painful marriage and even now struggles with this topic in her relationship with her boyfriend. Several other divorced women responded in agreement as well as several people that I would put in the happily married category. In either case, they have lived this out and have seen how it either positively or negatively affects the relationship.

I didn’t receive any negative feedback per say, but more so “I agree and disagree.” My assumptions are that these people agree with the aspect of commitment in marriage, but disagree with the notion of reigning back on those relationships now. You know what I find fascinating? Each and every person that I received this type of feedback from falls between the ages of 18 and 30 and is a single, “independent,” Christian woman.

Am I knocking these women? Not in the slightest. It think they are the ones poised for the greatest success in marriage. They often times have the desire, the heart, and the ability to be the best wives. They also have the greatest opportunity for hardship because their “independence” can get the better of them. “I want him to know I don’t need him to take care of me. I’m fine on my own.”

Yes you are. But what if the guy wants to take care of you? That’s part of our ingrained nature as men. Women say all the time, “I want someone to lead me, to protect me, to love me.” Ok...let us! Yes I’ll be the first to admit that many guys today don’t get this and won’t take the initiative to step out and lead. I think part of that is because they are intimidated.

Many women today spend so much time telling the world of their independence that many guys aren’t going to waste their time because they know its going to be a struggle. I’m in that boat. There is nothing more attractive to me than an able, capable woman who has done a great job of setting up a home for herself, is hospitable and able to provide. And I’m still hesitant to express an interest because I’ve seen far too many times these very women, while they claim they want to be lead, cannot let go of that independence once they’ve tasted it. It becomes a control issue. “He’s trying to control me.” No, he’s trying to love you the way you said you wanted to be loved and lead.

The same goes for our relationships. We ask our boyfriend or girlfriend to stop spending time alone with the opposite sex and they think we’re trying to control them. It’s not a control thing it’s a commitment thing. It is being committed to the relationship over the friendship, even enough to saying “Ok, I don’t totally understand why, but I’ll make this sacrifice because you are more important to me.” Whoever figures that out and can bring themselves to act on it is practicing true love, true submission and has power. Real power.

Oh what fun it is to....Date?

Some of my most cherished memories from my college years took place in Young house sitting around the kitchen table with friends. Between our “man time” conversations to debates with the opposite sex about dating and relationships, it would seem we covered nearly every topic under the sun. In one particular conversation, and one I reference often when talking with people about dating, a not so subtle, to the point friend of mine leaned over the table and very pointedly ask, “When are guys going to grow a pair and start asking girls out?”

Always willing to lend my two cents, I leaned forward and offered, “I’ll ask a girl out when I find one that doesn’t start planning a wedding after one cup of coffee.”

Some of you are laughing, a few of you are angry and many of you agree with me. When I tell that story I frequently get all of those responses. Now that I’ve spent some time outside of the college dating scene as well as tried dating within the “church,” I’ve discovered there really is no difference and I would argue that both my friend and I are correct to some extent. I’ll begin with the guys.

There is truth in my friend’s statement. No doubt, many young men today, particularly in the church, are less than forward when it comes to communicating with women. We have broken homes, Hollywood and in my opinion the lure of video games to thank for that. Many young men just don’t know how to communicate with women. In our defense ladies, even to a clinically diagnosed “good communicator” (Communication was in my Strengths Quest top five ☺ shout out to my GC peeps), there is nothing more intimidating to me than a beautiful woman. I will stair and stutter and rack my brain for the most eloquent of pick up lines and it never comes. Somewhere around the age of 17 I had the “Fargher charm” as one friend called it, which unfortunately disappeared by the time I left high school.

Yes fellas, we need to work on boldness. We are after all, called to be the leaders Eph. 5:25. The secular world won’t hesitate to ask a girl to jump into bed; the least we could do is openly communicate with women about how we feel. Rather than keeping silent and letting the girl pry it out of us, tell her where you’re at. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to have all the answers. That’s the whole purpose of dating, it helps you find those answers you’re looking for. Unfortunately, the ladies are so often forced to take the forward approach because we men just aren’t stepping up to the plate.

Now before you ladies start declaring “amen” and passing out high-fives, I have some thoughts for you as well. Without a doubt I agree that the world is lacking real men. Most men, even within the church, are easily swayed by the lures of the world and, all to often, are drawn away from God. The world looks like too much fun and in all honesty, it’s teaching us guys that we can get what we want without giving much in return. I believe that it’s wrong and is sadly causing women to abandon their God given role as lovers and nurturers.

Let me first share ladies that I understand your frustration but, if you hope to find the right kind of man in today’s world, you are not going to get it by applying pressure. I spent four years in the Christian college scene and now two years in the post college “Christian” dating world and there is no difference. I do not fault you for having an exceedingly strong desire to marry. In fact I applaud it, for it is God given. Gen 3:16 “You will long for your husband…”

In truth, I like that idea. I want a girl that’s crazy about me. Nothing will strengthen a man’s ego or enable him to scale buildings in a single bound like the love of a woman. I caught my brother in an unusually good mood once before he was married and inquired about his giddiness. He responded with, “because I’m in love with a woman that is crazy about me!” I want that.

At the same time, I don’t want someone that’s so eager to get married that she’s taking on my role as a leader. “Well I want to be pursued,” you say. Understood. You have every right to. But perhaps the guy is trying to decide in his own mind if he wants to pursue you. THIS is where the trouble begins.

I’ve found that many young ladies, consciously or subconsciously, are working on a timetable. Casual dating as our parents new it is out of the question. Taking a different girl out to a movie every weekend until you find one you want to settle down with is a no no as you’ll be crucified a “player.” I never dated in college. I asked a few girls out for coffee and on one occasion, at the urging of a friend, had a young lady over and we chatted for a couple hours. A week after that conversation I had five people come up to me within a ten minutes span and make comments ranging from “Seth and ______ sitting in a tree….” to “if you hurt her I will kill you.” Really? Are we adults or in middle school?

This brings me to my next point. Ladies, be careful what and with whom you share. I find all too often that people, both men and women, stick their nose where it does not belong. Rightly so, we care about others opinions. We want to know what our friends think. The problem becomes that our friends offer too much information and begin painting a picture that does not exist or is at least merely in the very beginning stages. “Oh he’s totally into you!” “Really? Well I guess he did say….” And chaos ensues.

The one thing I will say Hollywood got right was the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. It is a perfect example of the games, miscommunication and lack of overall honesty that our society lacks, both in and outside of the church.

Dating as our parents new it is pretty much out of the question. The term I would associate with getting to know someone in our generation to decide if we want to take things to the next level would be “hanging out.” It means nothing more than spending time together, whatever the setting, and GETTING TO KNOW THE PERSON. We have no other context to intentionally get to know someone than that.

My experience, and countless guys I know, has been if I express an interest in hanging out in order to get to know someone and after a while decide that I’m really not interested in dating the person, I’m labeled a jerk, a player and my favorite, I lead her on. Ladies please hear me on this; most of the men in this world would rather sleep with you and move on. They have no intention of settling down and sadly, really don’t care about your feelings. I’ve had girls, or friends of girls, tell me that I crushed them. That I lead them to believe I was interested in a relationship only to dash their hopes and leave them aching. Let me share with you this; I not so much as held a hand, tried to kiss nor offered commitment to any one of those girls. Ladies if you have any hope of finding a meaningful, lasting relationship with a true God fearing man, you must learn to let go. Let us fulfill our God given role as the leader.

You argue, “Well some guys just need a little jump start.” Ok, let me refute that by asking you this; do you want to be married to a man that you constantly have to jumpstart to get him to love you and lead in your relationship?

I will leave you with this. Ladies, in my opinion you are God’s most incredible and precious creation. Any imperfections you have are far surpassed by your ability to love, nurture and care. I believe whole heartedly that those who grasp God’s original design for us as men and women and how He designed relationship between us to work, will be the select few who experience true joy and satisfaction in marriage.